The post is already lengthy and too much introduction would take much of readers’ time. These messages are from researcher David Papa Bondze-Mbir’s Facebook inbox.
1. “My mother raised me and my sisters as LADIES. She did her very best to train us up well. I know a lot more women were brought up well too, however, women are just as bad as men in this cheating game, except – women get away with it more because we are more emotional, charismatic, and play victim more. In all though, men and women are the same. You can’t give a guy any less respect in this aspect than a woman. I am cheating on my husband because I am no longer in love with him. I used to love him, but the love died, someway, somehow, along the journey. We’ve been married for 12 years, and I’ve been seeing this other man (who just happens to be the true love of my life) for Nine (9) years now. We are both married with kids.”
2. “I am addicted to fine, strong, men. If I see a man and he is fine, and looks strong, I begin to lust after him. I am blessed with a good paying job, so I very often pay less attention to that individual’s financial status. My educational background and working experiences have opened more opportunities to me, created more hunger to want and have everything, and has also made me less fearful, less careful. You just have to look fine and strong, and I will figure out a way to employ you for something worth paying for – for a brief moment. My husband travels a lot to do businesses, so I am always all by myself. We’ve been married for Seven (7) years.”
3. “I love my husband to death, however, if I am cheating on him today, it’s basically because I have an excuse: I was young (24 years) when he married me. I hadn’t had my fair share of fun. I was, and still am an idiot, even though I know how to act all innocent and ‘good’ in his eyes. It was my plan to quit this habit of cheating when I turned 30. I am 31 years this year, and I have fallen in love with the one I am cheating with. He and I have been seeing each other for the past Seven (7) years, and he’s one of my husband’s closest friends. He’s married. I really wish I could end this affair, however, my heart is already in it, full-time. And, he doesn’t try so hard to please me sexually. He’s just better than my husband in ALL angles. Dave, I orgasm, just at the mere sight of him. I think I am partly in love with my husband because he provides the security (financially) and comfort that I need as a woman (just ask any young woman married to a mature rich man). I spend almost half of it on my boyfriend though.”
4. “As a child, I heard on countless occasions, how my parents argued and ‘fought’ in the bedroom, because my dad was cheating on my mother. I saw how unhappy Mum always was, and how fast she aged and looked wrinkly even in her late 30s. While she worried daily and felt miserable, dad always looked good, and happy, and unconcerned, and handsome, and young, even as they both aged. There was a time someone mistook my mother for my daddy’s older sister, because according to that person, there was no way my dad could have been married to that ‘old’ lady; meanwhile, in actual sense, my father was about 10 years older than my Mum.
Dave that was the ‘turning point’ for me. I have been ‘living’ since – since. I am still in this marriage because I wanted kids. I have kids now. Their father takes very good care of their every need, and mine too. I am just being careful so I am not caught one of these days. An affair may not be a good thing, however, it has made me look young, and my husband is pleased with my fresh looks. In his head, I am looking good for him. Sex is awesome in my matrimonial home, thanks to the outside experience. What he doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt him in any way.”
5. “Mine begun after my first pregnancy. The gynecologist who TOUCHED me, during my pregnancy, touched a nerve in me that ‘did’ me something; something I had never felt with my husband before, ORGASM! The doctor realized I loved the way he had touched me. There was a nurse in his consulting room, but she did not see what was going on. A week to my due date, my husband had traveled to work outside Accra, and I needed to be touched, to feel that feeling I felt in the consulting room. I had the doctor’s mobile number, so he came over to check on me. He made passionate love to me, in my husband’s house, every time he closed from work, till I gave birth. I will be Three (3) years in marriage this year.”
6. “I have been in a long term sexual affair with one man for over 15 years. I don’t love him, but I love the sex. He gives me the greatest sex that I can possibly imagine. I have been married for Six (6) years. And yes, I love my husband very much.”
7. “I am married to a preacher. I love him, but he’s hardly home. Preaching assignments here and there. The little time we get to be together too is always ruined by visitors and phone calls from Church members and their ’wahala’. Dave, I can’t even compete for his attention, let alone, time. That’s why I am having an affair with my Ex-boyfriend. At least, he sees me.”
8. I am married to a very kind hearted man. Everything at home is peace and calm and normal… I mean, homey. I drive to work and take the kids to school. He drives from work to pick up the kids. Once a week or twice we have sex. But, Dave, it’s like we are not dying to see each other. There’s no little note of love, no romantic gestures, no surprise gift. There’s no suspense, no excitement. Rather, I can’t wait to be alone and drinking with my girlfriends on our girls night out.
Ok, so on one of such nights out, I met this gorgeous looking guy, and I thought, I could so flirt if it weren’t for my wedding ring. My girlfriends (who are all married, and also, parents) were all drooling over him, and I thought, it’s just a bit of flirting, no harm there. I took off my ring, put it in my purse, and I walk to the bar where he was sitting. He turned to look at me, he smiled, and then offered to buy me a drink. Dave that was when I realized I wasn’t truly ‘happily’ married. I accepted, even though I shouldn’t have led him on. But oh, god, the way I got to giggle and laugh with him, it was pure heaven. The spark was back in my eyes and I made plans to go out to dinner later in the week.
At a point, I considered taking back my “yes” to dinner, but then I got home, and my husband barely looked at me before turning back to his computer, and the kids were screaming for me to do this or that. Instantly, dinner with the hot stranger from the bar sounded like a great idea… And, it’s been a wonderful idea for Four (4) years. So many good moments have happened with him in the picture, and, my life has never been the same since. I am a very happy woman today. He makes me feel like the woman that I am.”
9. “Hello Dave, I am 34 years old, and have been married for Five (5) years. I did trust my husband a lot but he betrayed that trust by cheating on me about Two (2) years ago. I was angry and hurt and disappointed. He showed remorse, apologized and then, cut things off with the other woman, and again, went ahead to take some other actions to make things right again with us. I did forgive him as I felt it was a mistake, and he was genuinely sorry. The problem is, it’s been very hard for me to forget about it, and I feel the only way to get over this is to cheat too. It’s been two years now, and I still have the urge to cheat too.
To make matters worse – for a couple of months now he is hardly home and stays out late every night due to work. We are hardly having any sex because he is mostly tired and not interested. Again, the way he is constantly protecting his phone, I’m beginning to think there’s more keeping him out and not only work. The thing is, I am not going to sit down and lose my sanity and peace of mind if I find out he is cheating again so I gave in to one of my numerous admirers. Yes, I love my husband, and I do not want to leave him, and I know he loves me too.
This new guy is divorced and understands it’s only to satisfy my sexual pleasure and inner peace. It has been good and very helpful to my general wellbeing. I am a very happy person now and even my husband has noticed. He talks about how I have become very understanding lately, and even compliments my looks each day. So yes, I am happily cheating and do not regret it. I hope my husband never finds out but if he does I’ll understand what ever actions he decides to take.”
10. “My husband lost his job and was home for a long while. I watched him go for one unsuccessful job interview after the other. I watched him depressed and almost giving up hope. I knew of someone who could help him start all over again. That ‘someone’ is actually the father of a former school mate. That ‘someone’ is the person I am sleeping with, aside my husband. He gave my husband an opportunity to work again. My husband only believes he has the job because he is qualified for it. We managed to make everything look formal: as in, how he heard of the vacancy, the formal processes to application, etc. He has no idea about his boss and I. I am in love with both men, Dave. I don’t know how possible that can be, but it’s happening to me right now. And they both love me too.”
11. “I’ve been married for a few months (not even up to a year). I guess I’m cheating on my husband because he didn’t really meet my expectation. Don’t ask me what that means – because I am still figuring it out myself. He’s not enough for me in everything. My present worry is how secure (financially) I am going to be, with him. I don’t know why I married him. I know, it sounds foolish, but that’s the truth, Dave. I still can’t name one reason why I married him. Of course, I love him, but what kind of love it is – I don’t know. The man I am having an affair with, gives me GHs 2, 500, every two weeks. It’s been Seven (7) months now, and he’s still wiring that amount into my account. According to him, I deserve it. I deserve to be pampered. He makes me happy, Dave. Sometimes, I wish I could give him a baby instead.”
12. “Prior to meeting my husband, I was the side-chick of his friend (the same friend who introduced him to me as a potential ‘catch’. He told my husband I am a marriageable material). My husband is financially sound, so the deal was for me to get him to fall for me, marry me, and then, give him his share of the ‘cake = my husband’s money). One thing he did not know was, I was already in love with him, but because he was married, I had to go along with his plan to date his friend. I am happy at the moment in my matrimonial home, however, I would have been the happiest woman alive if I were to have married him instead of my husband. Sex with him is memorable and enjoyable. We still sleep around, anytime my husband is out of coverage area (which happens a lot in every month.)”
13. “I’ve been married for 19 years. Been cheating for 15 years, with the same man. I believe he is my soul mate. We argue, we fight, we disagree, we makeup with make-up sex, we make time for ourselves. Though he is also married with kids, we have managed to not let our actions affect our marriages in any way. We have bought our own little Two (2) bedroom house in a gated community, where we meet every now and then, to keep warmth. We’ve agreed not to engage in any extra affairs: so we just stick to each other and our significant others at home.”
14. “Money/security/comfort is the ONLY reason why I am still married to my husband. He is NOT my type. He wanted a trophy wife, and I am all that, and more (you can see from my profile pictures). I am beautiful, I know… And I am proud of that. I know what it means to be in need of help and money. I have known poverty. I have suffered before. I have been hungry before, Dave. So, when I took a second look at myself in SSS, and understood why – almost everybody (males and females) would want to take a quick glance/stare at me whenever I passed by, I put my beauty into good use. The man I am cheating on my husband with is my SSS boyfriend. He understands why I had to marry this other man. We have a plan. We are both pursuing higher education in order to be financially independent.
We are building our own Five (5) bedroom house. My husband does not even know my son is not his child. My boyfriend and I are still putting two and two together until it’s time, and then I will leave my matrimonial home – going radio silent. I am just hoping he dies a natural death or I may have to figure something else out if he starts to prove stubborn. (There are numerous ways to kill a cat). I don’t love my husband, Dave, so I honestly do not have any sympathy left in my being for him or his feeling.”
15. “I am Two (2) months old in my marriage, and I am already in an emotional affair with someone else. My husband is a good guy and all, but Dave, I am not that much into him anymore. I thought I did, that’s why I agreed to marry him. We had known each other for a few years – so I am a little bit surprised as to why I feel we are not even that connected intimately. We have very good sex and we do communicate so well. He loves me so dearly, but… I feel he’s the only one enjoying this marriage. I have practically fallen out of love with him.
The day I will physically cheat on him, I would be getting out of this marriage. And it’s going to be in April, 2018. My true love is coming to Ghana, to take me away. I have already secured a Visa to return with him. I have no plans of divorcing my husband. Neither do I plan to tell him about my true feelings. He would return from work one day in April, and find all my belongings at home alright… but I would be gone.”
16. “Everything was almost perfect at home: we had so much love, trust, respect and peace of mind at home. We had dreams and hopes for our children. I was faithful for the 13 years I’d known him, until late 2017. He was involved in an accident in November, 2016, and has been in a wheelchair since. Doctors have assured us that he will walk again, however, I do not care anymore. I nursed my husband’s wounds, took very good care of him for the whole of 2017, and took upon the responsibility of being the ‘head of the family’.
Everything, I did for him, because I loved him wholehearted; because he was the father of my kids. I was looking through the damaged items found on the scene of his accident, which had been packed in a bag – since 2016. I came across his crushed phone, so I took the sim out; bought a brand new phone to surprise him with it, and guess my surprise when I inserted his sim? After reading and listening to 12 texts and voice messages sent in by two different phone numbers, all women, I did not need a scientist to explain to me exactly what had been going on in his life outside home. Dave, I did not even have to think twice… I willingly gave in to a secret admirer’s demands in a heartbeat. I have found a professional caretaker to be attending to my husband, while my focus, now, is on my kids and my new man. I have NO regrets what-s0-ever, Dave.”
17. “David, I know you are protecting our identities – that is why I am feeling a little bit comfortable, opening up to ONLY you. I am pleading with you, if you still are not so sure of how safe the security of your Facebook account is, kindly copy my message into a Word document or folder, and DELETE my message – to protect me, should anyone try hacking your system. Thank you.
I am in my second marriage. And yes, I am cheating on my husband. I wasn’t always like this: I used to be faithful. I used to be content with only one man. I used to love and trust, from deep within. However, my first husband turned me into something I never knew I could be: A murderer! I killed him, Dave… I poisoned my first husband, and watched him die in our bedroom, painfully. I mixed a deadly, colorless, tasteless, odorless substance with my lotion, smeared it gently on my breast, rubbed it on my vagina, put some on my lips: I coated every part of my body I knew he enjoyed putting his mouth and tongue on, and watched him swallow every bit of his own saliva, mixed with the substance.
Dave, sometimes, a cheating, filthy, lying bastard, ought to die – for you to live. I deserved to live, Dave. I deserved to live. I’m glad our incompetent Ghanaian medical doctors could still not diagnose the true cause of his death after the autopsy. Everybody, including his family, all think he died from an acute liver problem. I am cheating on my current husband because I don’t want to lose another man in a marriage; so I would rather want to cheat on him too, as a form of closure – in order not to lose my mind. He started cheating on me when I was Seven (7) months pregnant. Smh! These foolish men eh: we give them everything, yet, they choose to fool around. I feel very sorry for this my current husband. I’m still timing him closely. His time will come.”
18. “I was dating Two (2) men when I found out that I was pregnant. I had to choose between the two guys, which amongst them fit into my idea of a ‘perfect’ father/husband. I chose my husband over the other. My husband is the ‘Good-Guy’ type, very homey, decent, responsible and committed. The other gentleman is more of the ‘Fun’ type, full of energy and jokes. I don’t want to lose any of them – because they both mean different things to me. So, yeah, I’m also cheating on my husband (in fact, did I even stop cheating on both men?) This life! So f**ked up!”
19. “I am a lesbian. My partner and I have been together since our University days. She’s my rock, and we both love each other very much. I married a man because in my family, no woman had to be single and childless… So I guess I married just to fit in society. My lady understands, so we are cool.”
20. “For me, it’s a ‘tit’ for ‘tat’: You do me, I do you, simplisita! And I’m ‘doing’ him with so much pleasure and joy. Who cares what he thinks?”
21. “If he hadn’t abused and disrespected me, I probably wouldn’t have fallen into a different hand. My husband took me for granted. He walked all over me, reduced me to nothing, and then expected me to remain faithful and endure? STUPID man!”
22. “Why I cheated on my husband, I still don’t know. It was purely an unfortunate mistake. I was tempted, and I fell for it. I didn’t plan to cheat. There was no reason for me to cheat. I am happily married to a great guy, and father to my baby. All he’s ever done is to love me. He’s never wronged me. I just made a mistake. I have no feelings whatsoever for the other guy. It was just sex.
Though it was just sex, it was good sex. I loved it. It was different, intense and wild. I guess I still remember it because – if I were to compare and contrast with that of my husband’s, I’d grade the guy 180/100. My husband is 65/100. I don’t intend telling my husband about that mistake. It’s going to be a secret I would have to die with. I am not ending friendship with that guy either. Nobody knows tomorrow, so I’m keeping him in an arm’s reach. Being a mother helped me make my family a priority, thus, my decision to want to do the right thing… so help me God!”
23. “My husband was transferred to a different region to work. He visits home on weekends and on holidays. That’s the genesis of my affair. Distance caused it. I know he’s probably also warming his bed as I speak. I wouldn’t be bothered if he’s cheating. All I pray he does is to practice safe sex, because that’s what I am doing in his absence. I am currently in love with both men.”
24. “Me, I’m a player. I know what’s up, and he married a bad girl. You can’t tame a bad girl with a wedding ring or pregnancy, and I know a part of him knows that too. I love the chase. I love the game. I love the sex. Variety is bae. Monogamy is nay! Hubby is a cool guy and all, but ‘cool’ ain’t shit. I’m a ‘HOT’ commodity, so I don’t limit myself to thinking only about my husband and kid. My customers also need my creativity to help solve their marital problems (I know you get the drift?). I think of every ‘call’ as a problem solving opportunity. I am selling more than just a body in a hot dress. I am selling ideas, perspectives, and insight into the mind of a man. I do the needs-based kind of sex: I determine my customer’s needs before I start to propose skills (solutions).
Every woman ought to get to understand a man by letting them speak – at length if necessary. And when it’s your time to show him what time it is, you’d do a better job than those who merely display ignorance (all in the name of ‘duty’, simply because you’re his wife). Dave, I’m far better positioned to sustain a long term journey with my customers in a session. I don’t have to be funny to stay relevant in my business, but it helps to be fun. I am the kind of woman who brightens up a man when I see one, as opposed to the women who brighten up a room when they leave it. You can’t see me and just watch me go; unless I don’t like you.
I’ve built trust with all my men, my husband inclusive. Trust takes a long time to build, but only a second to lose… That’s why I strive to demonstrate to even my husband that I can be trusted, even when he’s in doubt of my fidelity to only him. I am responsive, direct, clear, reliable, and straightforward. Because of their ego, men don’t like to be manipulated, and would not appreciate evasiveness. If I get caught being dishonest in any way, I’ll not only lose my man (customers included) but the ripple effect of my actions will spread far beyond the borders of my relationships – and I don’t want that. So I am always with the assumption that, my customers and husband, are all smart, and give them due respect; I try not to play games, I make sure to deliver on my promises, and also avoid any nasty surprises.
I do whatever I can to stay relevant on a man’s mind. Most men don’t think about you as much as we think about them, even if they claim to be in love with you (you boys are all liars, Dave. You ain’t supposed to be trusted), so I ensure I make every one of my men, think of me first when their dicks arises. That makes me a woman!
I try thinking of disrespectful, cold attitudes in men, sometimes, as fun: because a woman can never know exactly what to expect with these ‘dogs’, so I am always ready for ANYTHING, and I take pride in my ability to f**k the hell outta them – as a form of my response when they’re almost getting pissed. You can ask my husband. When it comes to good sex, otse me soa, osore! Me tumi di no saaa, he begs me to stop! Make-up sex is always a fresh beginning in my mind, so I make sure it is indeed, a memorable one. And, that’s how I am with every other man I am seeing.”
25. “My weight became a problem for him. Though he wouldn’t openly say it, I could see it from the way he sometimes looked at me in/with disgust. He ignored me many times, and just wouldn’t touch me intimately. He was always not in the mood. One day, I finished a professional job for one of my clients, and was pleased with the work. We became friends, and then there was the pursuit. I am 12 years older than this boy; some tiny boy bioh! But he was serious about me, he liked me. I fell ill one time, and dude volunteered to pick my kids from school. My husband was away then. He cooked for me and the kids, helped them with their homework, and kept me company till the following morning. He slept in the living room.
My heart opened up to him after that day. He’s the only man I have ever known to f**k so hard, I’d call the name of my late Momma back to being, in tears (may God rest her soul). Dave, I don’t know what he sees in me to want to be with me, but he makes me happy. His love has made me forget all the pains my husband’s rejection subjected me to. Now, I only think of my husband when I see him physically at home. Every woman deserves to be seen. This boy sees me, and he’s been by myside for Four (4) years now. He calls me over 50 times in a day. He’s interested in my day, welfare, kids, work, even how my husband is doing – even though he doesn’t like him so much. He’s concerned about me.
My kids once mentioned him to their father. They showed a picture they took with him to my husband, and all he said was, “But what would a young, fine guy like this, see in you?” I remember looking at him and shaking my head. Because in his head, no one could ever find a fat woman attractive: To my husband, I had expired. Dave, you know my husband would sometimes worry about me sitting in his car? Because my big butt would flatten his front seat… Eish, I have suffered. A car we both bought with our money. The car I use, which my husband often loves to now drive, was given to me by my boyfriend. My husband still thinks my cousin abroad shipped it to me. The only time my husband would touch me sexually, and pretend to be nice to me – is when he needs my car keys. I intentionally left a recorder in my car the other day he borrowed it, and he and his mistress were making fun of me, in my car. And, he was supposed to be going on a business trip.
My boyfriend wants me to divorce my husband and marry him. He’s assured me of taking care of my kids’ education – if I can be bold enough to file for a divorce. Dave, but for the sake of my kids and their father, and their idea of family – I am finding it very difficult to walk out on this marriage. Please tell me I am not making a terrible mistake at age 45?”